Dealing with Meltdowns and Attachment Parenting

There is so much about parenting that I had wish I had known when my children were young, that I wish to share with you.

The primary job of a parent is to make a child feel safe and loved and cherished. So many of us are taught that it is about control; that our children need to be given either the carrot or the stick ( has become more subtle nowadays), in order for them to grow up into healthy adults. While our children need safe boundaries, within which to explore the world, our job is not to control them for 'their own good'.

Attachment parenting is a lovely way to ensure that our children feel safe and get their needs met. This means, being a parent who reflects their child back in a healthy mirror ( to borrow from Karen Woodall, psychotherapist).

How do you reflect your child back?

• When they are sad, you say to them ' You look sad. Tell me about it. I can understand that this must have been upsetting....' Depending on the age of the child, you can try to fix it ( whatever is upsetting them), or you could resist the urge and simply listen, so that have a space to vent and release that energy.

• When your child is angry, do not shout at them that they are being bad or naughty or that it is wrong. Remember that your job is to 'share your calm, not join in the chaos'. The feeling of anger is a natural feeling and there is nothing good or bad about the feeling itself. In fact, at times, anger might be a protective feeling, that tells you that someone is crossing boundaries or being harmful to you. If you shout at your child for being angry, it shames them and the next time they are angry, they will feel shame and turn the anger on themselves. Instead, teach them how to deal with it. Hold them and help them breathe or rock or quieten themselves to a calm space and once they are calm and feeling better, only then address the issue. Practise active listenting - listening to the feelings that the child is not able to articulate. Children, especially autistic children, cannot automatically understand what they are feeling, no matter how intelligent and it might help to name feelings, so that they recognize it in their bodies.

• Teach them the connection between emotions and the body as children may have poor interoception. When they are sad, ask them where they feel it, or fearful or anxious, talk about ' the butterflies in their stomach' or the pain in their chest or the heat in their head. Let them learn what their body is telling them and teach them to soothe the body by breathing/relaxation exercises. Equally help them augment joy/happiness/ excitement by feeling it in their body. Always validate what they find interesting or exciting, whether they show you a drawing or a caterpillar or a rainbow.

• Do not overshare your feelings. You are the adult and you have to maintain your hierarchy for them to feel safe. You are not their friend. You are the one they come to for help and guidance and when things go wrong to make it better. But you can say things to them like - 'Mummy is a bit sad today - can you give me a hug?' If they do not like hugging, you can ask for an alternative, like 'Maybe I can cuddle your teddy and it will make me feel better?'

• Tell them how you see them - 'You are being so lovely today. You are the best boy/girl. You are always so kind. You make me laugh' etc. Tell them you are proud of them, for things they can control. 'Look how hard you worked at that and see what you have already achieved'. Autistic children are often perfectionists and need to be taught to be pleased by their attempts, rather than the end result.

• Never laugh at your children and put up posts on social media, that you would not like someone putting up of you. Do not be tempted to tell the world how hard it is to bring up your child. That should be between you and a therapist or trusted friend, if things feel difficult. Laugh with your children and enjoy them. They are sources of delight and little drops of heaven on a difficult earth. They are little for a very short period of time that goes in the blink of an eye. Enjoy it.

• Do not stop having any boundaries, just because your child is autistic. They should not stop going to school but you should teach them and talk to school, about how to make school more pleasant and easier. Do not allow your child to behave badly and get away with it. You teach your child what is acceptable behaviour without shouting or shaming or controlling them. Do not rant at the world as being unfair, which it often is. Change the bits that you can change and fill your child with so much love and self-esteem, that they can deal with any kind of world.

  
  

  Ways to Deal with Meltdowns:

  Children have meltdowns mostly due to having a sensory overload. The world is too noisy, too bright, too smelly, too rough, with too many people in it. They have held it together all day and been the rule-following good child as much as they could be. When you pick them up at the school gates, they cannot hold it in any longer. You are their safe space and they will let go.

  
  

The slightest thing can cause a meltdown - a touch, a question, a change in their route home.

Allow them time to decompress without asking questions. Take a snack to the school gates or a chew toy or chewellery. Let them wear headphones and retreat behind a screen or a book, if they like to.

If they are having a meltdown, cut down sensory stimuli. If you are outside and your child likes it, give them a firm hug and hold them tightly within your arms. You could rock if they like it. If they dislike touch, you could give them sunglasses, headphones, screen or something to eat, a special blanket. Put on music they like or a video that they like to watch. Do not ask them what is wrong or talk or make any demands. Teach them to breathe with you, through the nose and out the mouth. Make sure that you stay calm.

If your child is at home, take them away from sensory stimulation. They can go to their 'quiet place' or 'timeout' place. This could be a hammock, a trampoline, a swing, or under the duvet. A weighted vest or blanket might help. Screen time will help. This is not a reward or punishment scenario. This is a scenario where you simply teach them methods that help them calm themselves and feel better. If they need to cry to feel better, no harm done. I cannot believe the number of videos on social media where parents are telling their children to stop crying. Let them cry and be with them, offering comfort. And yes, do not post pictures or videos of your crying child or what a great parent you are!

Your child cannot help their meltdowns. They are not being bad or trying to push your buttons. Your child is asking for your help. Be there.

Also, do not beat yourself up for not being perfect. You love your child and that matters a lot. You are good enough.